Imagining the Future is a Kind of Nostalgia

I've been feeling very nostalgic as of late. Right now my Spotify playlist is full of All Time Low, My Chemical Romance and random indie songs that were hits in the late 00s and early 10s. In January, inspired by the tenth anniversary, my love for High School Musical was renewed after marathoning the trilogy in one sitting (oh Zac Efron, you filled 11 year old me with butterflies and give 21 year old me hot flushes). You bet that very same nostalgic emo playlist is also filled with the entire HSM discography. I'm going to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child in August. Being excited for a new Harry Potter story is so strange. I haven't been excited like this since I was 12.

I think this nostalgia has been ignited for two reasons.

Number 1: I looked after two teenagers in work and had intelligent, mature conversations with them. Then I realised that they were both born after 9/11. That was the first time I have ever felt old. I watched their eyes sparkle with wonder as I told them my where-were-you-during-9/11 spiel. I was just dumbfounded by how 9/11 is history to them. It reminded me of my parents telling me about the moon landing.

Number 2: I'm entering my final year of college in September. Unlike the average final year student, I don't have a full year left. I have my finals in December and on the week of  January the 9th 2017 I start a full time job as an Intern Midwife. This is my last ever summer out of the 'real world'.

While I'm terrified, I'm also equally excited. I will finally be getting paid for what I have been doing for the past 3 years. Let me tell you nothing makes you question your life choices more than feeling exhausted at 2am, only halfway through a night shift that you are not being paid to do. I am so excited to quit my job as a Healthcare Assistant. The uncertainty of getting work and being on call is nerve wracking.

I'm also preparing to be searching for jobs in the UK. Specifically Cambridge to go live with my equally Potter-obsessed pal Adam. I keep looking at RightMove and having to slap my hand because the earliest I will be able to move there is in well over a year.

This reminded me of a quote from a book I loved as a teen. The jewel in the crown of YA fiction when I was 15 was Looking for Alaska by John Green. "Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia". At the time I didn't really get it, just thought it was an interesting quote. Yet, as I get older it really speaks to me. We imagine the future to escape the present. We keep doing that until we're old and grey and it's too late. Imaging the future to escape the present is something I have been doing for years during my struggle with depression and anxiety.

So that's my goal for the latter half of 2016. To stop "wishing my life away" as my mother would say.

Laura
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Tidy Room, Tidy Mind

I have a problem. I cannot throw anything away. I learned it from my mother and from my Nana. Nana was in her late teens to early twenties during World War 2 and they just never threw anything away as most of it was rationed or kept "just in case". She passed this down to my mother who has passed it on to me. Not a Christmas goes by without my mother asking me if I want a biscuit tin to keep or God forbid someone buys a new pair of shoes as my mother asks me again, if I want it for anything.

So my room is constantly a tip. Shoes overflowing, research articles for college on the floor because there's no room for them anywhere else.

It makes me feel claustrophobic. Studying is so difficult in my bedroom because I get so distracted. I tidy in small amounts but it never helps.

So tomorrow is the big clean. I've decided it. It's 11:44pm on a Friday night and I might be a bit ambitious but I've decided it.

Tomorrow. D-Day.

Hopefully this won't be another idea of mine that crashes and burns but I crave tidiness like I never have before.

Or maybe this is just me procrastinating working on my dissertation and trying to justify it.... ah well.

Sure fuck it, be grand.

Laura

Breaking Free

"But your faith it gives me strength, strength to be believe"

Hey the girl who inspired me to return to blogging started her first post with a HSM quote so it's only fitting that I do too (and we both know who's the bigger HSM fan between us). 

Recently my friend Sinead returned to blogging and described the reasons why she stopped/ lost interest. You can read the post here, it's fantastic. She describes being afraid of what people/ potential employers would think of her, and trying to fit the beauty blogger mold that isn't for everyone. As I was reading I was shocked, these were the exact reasons why I stopped. I became inspired. To blog, to journal but again I was struck by fear- would Sinead think I was copying her? Trying to steal her thunder? Then I laughed, I was making excuses again. 

So here I am, a twenty something student midwife, 5 months, 2 weeks and 5 days away from starting a full time job and entering the real world. As I start my final year of college, I know that this is a big year that will continue to define me. I will want to remember this, not just the memories or experiences, but how I thought about things, my views and how I looked at life.

Sure fuck it, be grand.

Laura